Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
