508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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