I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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