I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
