I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
