I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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