She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
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which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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