Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
