I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
