Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
