20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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