4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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