yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
