I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
