The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
