Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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