I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I need a beard to bite.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
