I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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