if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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