fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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