it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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