Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
