i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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