My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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