My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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