i permit you to call me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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