Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i drank out of a bidet.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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