I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
3pm strippers are depressing
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
