Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
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