note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize