Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
