her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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