If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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