he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
