omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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