so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
