Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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