Ketchup is God's man juice
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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