your parents love me but you hate me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
