apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
