Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
