They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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