i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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