you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
