watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
So here I am, sexting at work.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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