Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
