when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
