Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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