You're my little dorito
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
