just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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