Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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