sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
