When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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