Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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