Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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