dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
