Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
