im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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