is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
