I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
