You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
